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Looking back, looking forward.

Wow, i haven’t blogged in a long time, haven’t i? Well, for starters, what should i say? It’s been a few months, i had a lover and i lost that same lover this year. Looking back, it’s still hard to figure out what happened. I keep on telling myself that it’s not my fault and somehow i’m pretty smart for having been able to notice the red flags to have the nerve to extricate myself from the situation. It’s so hard to continue, given na ako for sure yung magiging dehado dito. In a way, i kinda blame myself, for not being capable nanaman to love (hello 5 love languages), like i should have done this or that to at least man lang say for myself na i’ve given something away. But then, i realized that i still don’t have the means to love.. and that may signify that it is indeed not yet the right time for me. And i know this to be true. So in the end it is justified (or not). I keep on thinking if what i did was right. I let him go. Now, come on, up to this point i still can’t say that i loved him. Do you know how they say thay we only notice things when they’re not there anymore? Well that’s what i felt. I let him go, because i have less to offer and i just really can’t right now. But a part of me stings knowing that letting go means losing someone, and yet another part of me is grateful for having stood up, for assertively telling him what went wrong, and i got what i needed: a talk about what really happened and the apology. Although that was paired with a somewhat closure on his behalf, we should be mature enough to know when things have to reach their end. And right now, what i’m feeling is not bitterness, but longing. I kinda miss him, everything. But i know it would also be really stupid to continue from there. Hmm. I just need to understand that this missing feeling that i feel is normal, and that i will be able to go through it until its extinction. And then everything will be okay na. :)

12xx13

Pasaway.

Yung gustung gusto ko magdrama sa twitter (actually just philosophical shit about love and life yknow the works lang) pero di ko magawa kasi finofollow ka niya. And i want to keep things open. Kasi pag nagbitter ako, obviously it’s him and pag nakaamoy it’s going to be more over than it is. Why not fb? Lol. Lalo naman sa fb. Hahaha! Hay buhaaay.

But yknow, ive been listening to the podcast so much lately, that i learn a lot on how to decide on things and how people’s minds work. Like hell yeah. And for that im kinda relieved. Ive also gotten more conyo. Hahaha

Happy sembreak guys! ♥

Dream blogging.

October 18, 2am-ish, while taking a short nap break in the midst of doing our systems simulation study, i had a really vivid dream. Here goes my fresh account of it (quirky me typed this immediately shortly after waking up at 4am-ish):

{A kind of love that is nice. I’m looking far at the guy that i miss, he’s playing guitar with a girl with the good voice and i’m just looking at them from afar, and everything becomes dreary and dark. Due to that, I had skin discolorations and galis-like thing in my fingers and at the back of my ear, then i forgot, this dog (idk) who he could resemble in real life, he just went up to me and licked them all. Then everything slowly became brighter. I felt the wetness from the licks hahaha. In my dream there’s like a voice-over saying how this is the nice kind of love. Practical and realistic and the scene ended with us getting together in a home and having a family.}

Profound nooh haha it’s funny and i just want to post it haha. Ganyan ako kahit kagigising lang daming kaemohan. Haha!

The love i have mistakenly known.

I was born at the time when my parents weren’t in the prime of their marriage. My mother was menopausal, mother duties were kinda neglected during my time (you can notice at how i am comparably thinner with regards to my two other sisters, my preceding sister was also thin), my father was just too stressed of life at the time, i guess. Coming home from work, he would always shout and be the one who would stress us all. I didn’t know what to think of that. I thought that if that was how all marriages/relationships were like, then i wouldn’t be able to want that. It was just too tough for me. I am so scared that the things i experienced being their daughter at that time would replicate into my future relationships.

At some point, it did replicate. I would accept behavior from others that was totally like my parents’ like that was how it was supposed to be. I never questioned, i never fought. I was just too tired of the things happening that it became the reason i became super depressed.

And then one day, i just snapped. It was like a volcano eruption. I fought everyone, i could not take it anymore. I realized that it was my father all along, who brought this so much stress in my life that it’s seeping through my other life channels. I met people, who, by some sheer luck, were not like my father and was just super gentle that i couldn’t help but cry. I fought well.

One day, i had to go to a group proj meeting in megamall. My father offered to accompany me there. When we were already there, i cried so hard. And you know what? He left me. He was so embarrassed that he was with someone who was crying so hard. After that, i fought him some more, and that’s when i got the respect i deserved.

Up to this day, he still shouts, still high blood. But to me those instances are now close to nil. He almost never shouts at me anymore. It makes me sad that I had to do all those things just to get my well-deserved respect. That a parent should shield you from all the hurt but in my case, he’s the one who primarily did all that. But a part of me understands that that can only be the bond we’ll ever share. I love him as he’s the only man in our family and he’s my father, and as much as he caused me this hurt, i have to give it to him, because he’s the reason i’m too scared to enter relationships and be close to another person. The hurt he’s caused sometimes makes me admire my mother for sticking with him throughout the years.

Thanks GTWM.

Non-verbatim

"You don’t love him. It’s just pride or ego that makes you want to prove you’re better than your rival. When in fact you know the real deal: That he’s just an ass."

We learn, and we still live.

This rule i created for myself: i would make it a point to never ever let a guy touch me unless we’re in a relationship.

Yet, who knows, that might still change. Nothing will ever really be certain.

From a famous genius.

"It’s like if you have a dick, it fucks with your brain. Like it pulls the power off your brain."

What i have learned from this

Sometimes there’s an attraction
Sometimes things can happen
But now i understand that everything has to fall into place for it to turn into something open
Right person
Right place
Right time
This is something to remember but not something that should materialize

And we should move on, graciously :)
I am pretty sure it helped us both in ways as good as it can be.

Took me so long to figure it out.

When you avoid getting drunk with these people, it disappointingly means one thing.. there is no trust. And how can you build on something with no trust in the first place? Took so long to figure it out. Can’t even be comfortable sharing personal stuff. I should’ve known, when you never even paid attention in the first place. That’s the role i am playing, i see. Sigh. This will probably the last until next time. I dislike what i feel but i already learned from before that you can change and distort facts but never the feelings. Feelings are real. And i am respecting myself this time to not be the naive one holding out for eternity. See you soon.

Truth.

The truth, i know it.
I have major trust issues. And i devaluate so soon. I have been betrayed sometime in the past and this is its manifestation.
I know why friends of mine are open with their lives and i am not. Heck i cant even mention or say the name of my special person aloud. It feels weak not being able to come up to your person even when you’re at the same area already. This act, i know, will push my person away. And it will hurt. Its like everything should be kept a secret when it comes to my life. When did this happen? Ito yung ginawa kong set up para satin. It was just my instinct and im sorry. I want you to understand and i think you will. I also think that my final act of pushing away has already been done. I still think that youre a good person. Im the one that’s bad #selfdepreciatingpost now please dont tell me im being hard on myself. I hear that a lot.

Aw.

Since im sooo tired from schoool it made me think about this. Maybe you already got what u wanted? And noow i have to face the fact that i also made it in my heart to be cautious with my already damaged heart.. So im terribly sorry.

Not comfortable with uncertainties.

Why is it that when i discussed it with you (which i felt was just the right thing to do) it just made me feel like i shouldn’t have done it. And yet i knew i needed to do that. To have peace of mind. But i guess it left me feeling like i should never have talked about it in the first place. How a sweet thing would just turn into nothingness and awkwardness because i just keep on rationalizing it and fucking it up? Or praning na naman ba ko. Sucks. :(

Down.

I hate that there are feelings and emotions i’d like to delete. How there’s such a thing as getting comfortable with being unhappy that that otherwise is foreign. And that i’d like to contemplate by myself. I know u want to talk about but im just shocked that time no emotions yet. When will i realize that it’s ok and there’s nothing to hide/worry about?

What i learned about myself this week.

So. Something happens on Day 0. I know. I’m aware. But due to shock and other internal factors, I wouldn’t be able to say anything. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Day 1 - Day 3: I go through the usual notions of the day, like nothing’s happened. Why do I behave like this I don’t knoow.

Day 4: Finally, first signs of overthinking. Or maybe because it’s a holiday today and I’ve got all free time to think.

Conclusion: I have a 4 day incubation period. Sounds legit. Sighhhhh.

Crypt

0805

I know things have started to take a different path.. 

From the sweet one to the rough one. There’s still a path though. 

I’m kind of scared of that path. 

I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it at one point.

Or I might get used to it that I’ll look for it always.

And I don’t like that thing with always-es.

They’re recipes for expectations, and inevitably disappointments.

Sometimes though I feel like I just have to tread it.

Cause if I don’t, I’ll miss out on life.

And besides, I was the one who wanted this kind of set-up.

Or rather I made it seem like that should be the rules of the game.

From the start.

And I don’t want to regret because that’s what I deemed,

Appropriate at that time.

Maybe I need this.

To grow.